Lots of very difficult creative decisions to make today under poor working conditions. I feel like some of my goals may be mutually exclusive, or cannibalize each other. For one thing, there’s a distinct tension between the rhetorical and the scientific in what I’m doing—I realize I’ve been swinging back and forth and it’s not entirely working as a synthesis. It has occurred to me there might be some way to embrace that conflict. Or else, it’s just a symptom of having conceived of two incredible, gigantic, career-defining projects that are interconnected, but quite different in style, emphasis, and organization, and one is spilling into the other. Both seem to need ideas and approaches from each other to be complete, but I don’t have the slightest idea how that could work.
This kind of thing is a small indication of a larger pattern. Once I get it in my head to wrestle with an intriguing problem, I just can’t let it go—even if it takes a decade to figure it out! But sometimes when I take a look at what I’m trying to do, and realizing the enormity of something I’ve bitten off, I stop and wonder what the hell I was thinking to get stuck in. “This isn’t possible. No one can do this,” I say to myself. What I love is how that’s usually followed by a “…buuut, what if I try this, at least…”
The thing about having an excess of ambition to try for potentially impossible creative goals is that you actually can’t be sure what’s impossible. You just never know. For me, it’s a lot more satisfying that way.